The 21 Gun Salute!

KID KOALA - LIVE FROM THE SHORT ATTENTION SPAN AUDIO THEATER TOUR!

TURNTABLISM! The "art" of "skratching"! Remember skratching? No? I do. A little bit. When I first started working at Turntable Lab, I would pack records and ship them out every day for 8 hours ("Kids in Japan need their vaguely terrifying cover-having ISP records!" -Me), and then at the end of the day, I would either:

1. Put on "She Works Hard For The Money (Extended 12" Dance Version)" for hilarity's sake, or 

2. Skratch over a Paul Nice beat for recreation and relaxation. RECREATION AND RELAXATION! Christ almighty this still boggles my mind, not only because I used to think this would have some kind of therapeutic effect (it didn't), but also because I see people STILL TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO SKRATCH RECORDS TODAY! This is insane. This is actively staying in the past. It's like proudly strutting around with a beeper on and quoting Get Shorty.

I guess what I'm saying is ai yi yi. Yes, it's pleasurable to hear someone skratch on a mixtape or hip hop record, but then that pleasure evaporates after about 7 seconds and immediately becomes unbearable. That's why I've always liked it when people do weirder things with skratching, since it's already inherently a weird thing.

I'm pretty sure I saw Kid Koala on this tour, he was playing with P-Love and DJ Jester, forming not only an unstoppable triumvirate of Filipino-osity, but a trio of weird skratching DJ guys. The whole thing was multimedia and about half an hour, which is probably exactly the human attention span for such an event. 

Nerds always defer to higher status nerds, and when I saw this tour I hung out with P-Love and I was really nervous. This is dumb because Paolo is like the nicest most down-to-earth guy ever, but I was like analyzing everything he did and said. This process, by the way, is never-ending if you are a nerd, you just apply it to different things.

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PULP - A DIFFERENT CLASS

Oh man this album is so good. Obviously. Also, water is hydrating.

I distinctly remember seeing the vinyl version of "This is Hardcore" on the wall at Kim's on St Mark's and not understanding it.

In the same way that I wasn't ready for the Smiths until I was like 25, I don't think I was ready for Pulp until I was 28. It's basically just too smart. It's so sophisticated and wry and funny and mordant and good. Is A Different Class the apotheosis of Pulp? Is it their White Trash, Two Heebs And A Bean? Their Eldorado? Their Rumours? Their Flood? Their Corrections? Probably.

This album is amazing, and also cheeseburgers are delicious. In conclusion, sex is an enjoyable activity.

BEST SONG: Common People DUH

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V/A - MAGNOLIA OST

I bought this 100% because of Jon Brion. "Yo, respect to LA singer-songwriters." His production on the Fiona Apple album and selection on the Boogie Nights OST (best ever) made me a loyalist and I was like "I'll check out what this so-called Aimee Mann has to offer." And ultimately the soundtrack is a pretty accurate reflection of the movie -- nice, pretty, moments of beauty, overall too much. Although this soundtrack did make me like "Goodbye Stranger."

Best song: One

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WILLIE NELSON - THE REDHEADED STRANGER

Willie Nelson! Man, it's easy to look at the modern day, weed-puffing golden-throated Willie Nelson and be like "you are an adorable teddy bear, now come over here so I can hide some hydro in the crags of your jowls." BUT like every neutered, smiling, harmless husk of celebrity, there was once some bite in them when they were hungrier! Wouldn't you agree, O'Shea Jackson?

Redheaded Stranger is so good. It's a country concept album that's about 25 minutes long about a gangster outlaw redheaded badass. Like, nice fantasy-fulfillment/transparent fictional lens, Willie Nelson. Would you like to read my script for a movie about a Chinese ectomorph who flies around reading comic books all day long? He has laser vision and his plants never die. 

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SUBLIME - S/T

Yes! 1997 in the building! This is about as bro as I ever got. YES I have a mixtape with "Cryin" on it by Aerosmith, and occasionally I sing "Too Much" by Dave Matthews Band in the shower, BUT Sublime is as close to frat bro as I ever got. Sublime was great! "They blend pop, rock, punk, reggae, ska and rap" (-a magazine) and their songs are really catchy. I mean, duh it's all 100% the product of junkie father Bradley Nowhatever his last name is (the Long Beach Dub Allstars album was not exactly singlehandedly reviving the record industry), but he had a great voice that fit in all the genres he worked in. Do you want to hear him whine out the word "punani" so that it has 7 syllables? This album in particular is great. The first like 7 songs all are perfect in their playing order.

The one thing I have to say is YEESH, remaining members of Sublime. Stop going back to the mine for more gold. THERE AIN'T NO GOLD LEFT TO MINE. 

BEST SONG: The first 7 songs, then "Doin Time"

I have no idea why this is so appealing to me.

Maybe it's because as an instrument, the glass harp is so incredibly dorky and requires not only the dedication needed to excel at an instrument, but also the drive/passion to overcome name-calling and societal mockery.

Also, there's 2 of them playing the glass harp here, so I can only imagine they overcame those odds together and fell in love, and now their appearance on a German talk show or whatever this is from is like their giant fuck you back to those who didn't believe them. 

Presented here, without commentary.

2 things about Thomas "T-Pain" Paine.

1. Ha ha, this image that is approved not only by T-Pain himself, but also his product manager and the National Steampunk Assocation of Screaming Time Travelers: 

2. Also, something I have long found hilarious, but much to my own surprise have never written about. Does everyone here remember the T-Pain iPhone app? It was popular for "a minute" (-hiphop) and then disappeared, but not before the YouTube ad for it attracted 3 MILLION VIEWS? 

Basically, the app lets you talk into your phone, and your voice gets "T-Pain'd" aka it is auto-tuned. 

That last sentence took about 3 seconds to say/understand, but this hilarious video takes about 5 times as long to express the same sentiment in its opening: 

OK, so right off the bat there are like a million logos screaming at me. Shut up, logos.

The first and biggest thing I see is the word "SMULE" which is a made-up nonsense word, so, no information there. Hoping for clarity, I look at the next thing: "Nappy Boy" under a logo of a building of some kind, and then Antares (another made-up nonsense word).

So, step one. Confusion.

Then, this:

Great! So I have vaudeville font saying "I Am T-Pain" over a URL that says "I am T-Pain" while T-Pain holds up a phone that says "I am T-Pain." Step two. He is T-Pain. Got it.

Then, this:

Cool! So what this slide is telling me is that Smule is actually T-Pain. I thought T-Pain was T-Pain. Oh well, I guess a contemplative, giant-hat-wearing-T-Pain is available in the iTunes app store. I am exactly as confused as I was at the beginning.

Now the video begins. Here we see T-Pain in the studio, clearly in 5 minutes of downtime and jumped by a producer who needs to get him to explain the T-Pain app. Remember this sentence? It is really all T-Pain has to say:

Basically, the app lets you talk into your phone, and your voice gets "T-Pain'd" aka it is auto-tuned. 

But NOPE! This is instead what T-Pain says: 

Hey what's up it's your boy T-Pain right here

Showing you the brand new I Am T-Pain app

Y'all already know what this is 

Nappy Boy Entertainment

Please hit the app store

Holler at my dogs at Smule

You know what I'm saying it's going down

Nappy Boy Entertainment

Smule looking up

Auto-tune application

I am T-Pain

Y'all already know what this is

Holler at your boy

Not only does T-Pain not complete a sentence at any point, his rambling is basically structured as a palindrome, and there is no information at all in it. In many ways, it is the perfect complement to the confusion created by the first 3 slides: T-Pain on video makes exactly as little sense as T-Pain in slides. To wit!

Hey what's up it's your boy T-Pain right here

OK, yes it is. Hi T-Pain. You have my attention. What would you like to tell me?

Showing you the brand new I Am T-Pain app

Is that what you're doing? It looks like (and sounds like) you are just talking into an iPhone. Can you explain to me what the I Am T-Pain app does? I'd be interested in purchasing it if I knew what it did.

Y'all already know what this is

No I don't. Aren't you supposed to tell me what this is? The reason I am watching you right now is because I don't already know it is.

Nappy Boy Entertainment

Who is Nappy Boy Entertainment and what do they have to do with anything?

Please hit the app store

Oh, OK, sure. But what am I getting from the app store, and what does it do?

Holler at my dogs at Smule

??? You already are in so much explanation debt, T-Pain, why would you start introducing nonsense words at this point?

You know what I'm saying it's going down

I don't know what you are saying.

Nappy Boy Entertainment

Who's Nappy B--

Smule looking up

What?

Auto-tune application

Is that what this is? OK I guess that makes--

I am T-Pain

I already knew that. That's like the only thing that I definitively--

Y'all already know what this is

??? NO I DON'T!

Holler at your boy

WHO? Smule? iTunes? You?

 

"This is great!" -Moms, and also me

*Via Videogum

How behind am I on this? I guess by a lot?  It DOESN'T MATTER Y'ALL because this is hilarious. Ghostface reviews Drake's album "Take Care" track by track and poo poos all over him. Taking his time, Ghostface reduces Drake to a fine pulp -- even before getting into the album this is our intro to Drake:

son goes by many names b...Drizzy or Aubrey or jus Aubs...n the Artist Formerly Known as Wheelchair Jimmy nahmean. But yalls might know him as The Kitten Whisperer aka The Harvester of Pauses aka The Taio Cruz of Hip Hop aka Young Garnier Fructis the pre-cum baby aka Jennifer Aniston's favorite emcee....n the muthafucka most likely to have a gateway to Narnia in his closet aka The Michael Buble of Rap or that nigga witta beatin vagina for a heart that you be hearin on the radio sandwiched between Katy Perry n Lady Gaga joints all day aka Justin Biebers beard n the only nigga on earth capable of turnin sandpaper into moist towelettes wit the touch of his hands...the vagina nectar-garglin nigga who makes lambs look dangerous hisself.....otherwise known as the Human Electric Slide... OctobVariesOwn....Drake. 

What follows is a comprehensive 18 track clowning of Drake (with the exception of one song because "Ayo my illegally downloaded version of this muthafucka aint come wit this track par"). At one point Stevie Wonder is clowned by assocation. For me, this is wonderful because I have always disliked Drake but never really knew why. Mostly because I didn't think about it. But Ghostface breaks down fundamentally why Drake is succinctly:

I aint even mad at this beat son...but the shit this nigga be sayin yo...."I love it when your hair still wet cos you jus took a shower...runnin on a treadmill n only eating salad...sound so smart like you graduated college". I cant even stomach that shit b. Son always gotta be on some "Gurl you kno you look yo best when you jus gettin up in the morning n you got them creases on yo face from yo pillow n that crusty shit all in yo eyes cos thats the real you gurl awwwwwhhh" shit.  That or he feedin broads that "you aint even kno how special you is cos other niggas dont be noticin it...but I do" shit. Ayo pardon me if you a female that happens to fall for this cornball shit...

Not satisfied with merely putting the blame on Drake, Ghostface then turns his withering gaze outwards, to everyone who is guilty by passively letting this happen. This includes you and me, dear reader! 

Yall muthafuckas should be ashamed of yallselves tho....for lettin it come to this shit in the first place namsayin. Yall LET this niggas get to the top like that. Im talkin to niggas who emcee too. Yall done allowed this nigga to come in the door...n now he done opened the floodgates to a million other soft ass muthafuckas jus like him son. Ayo nobody disrespected Father MC n Candyman like that back in the day b. Them niggas was makin careers outta droppin soft ass shit too. Dudes aint try to crush they whole existence or nothin...but niggas aint exactly say "Ayo Father MC n Candyman yall niggas should be showin the rest of us muthafuckas what direction to take Hip Hop in yo...". 

Truth. TRUTH!

Click on over for a highly enjoyable read.